How to be a life changing Mentor

How to be a life-changing Mentor…

How can I be a life-changing mentor?

Thinking of taking on the challenge of being a mentor? Many believe that they don’t have what it takes to be a mentor. Although they have had successes and learned a lot over their years, they don’t think they have what it takes to be a mentor. Many think that they have too many failures in life to be an effective mentor. But, the reality is we ALL have both successes AND failures and it is this fact that makes someone a great candidate to be a life-changing mentor.

For you to be a life-changing mentor, consider these suggestions:

1. Be willing to be a mentor

It may seem obvious, but to be a good mentor, you need to be willing. I have heard many stories of people who have begrudgingly taken on a mentor role. Their mentee often is their direct report, and they don’t want to be bothered with mentoring. They expect the mentee to learn the job and do it. What a lost opportunity. Effective mentorship is about so much more than doing a job. That may be an aspect of mentorship, but true mentoring uses the opportunity to lead someone in a new role while preparing them for the next position and for the many other challenges that life may throw at them. To be a mentor, you need to be willing to mentor.

2. Believe you have something to offer

One of the more common reasons people give for not wanting to mentor is that they do not feel they have anything to offer or are not qualified. My answer to that is summed up in three questions: 

1. Have you had any successes? 
2. Have you had any failures?
3.  Are you willing to share those successes and failures openly and honestly with a mentee? 

If you answer yes to those three questions, you have the potential to be an excellent mentor. The answer to the first two questions is ‘yes’ for 100% of people; the third question’s answer is up to you.

3. Be a person who has experienced success and continues to do so.

This point may seem a little daunting to many and others an obvious ‘of course.’ Think back to those you may consider mentors throughout your life. You may not have thought of them as mentors at the time. They could be a teacher, a coach or a parent. They could be a boss, an author or a politician. Ask yourself, was it always the big things they did that inspired you? A teacher of mine in the 9th grade taught me a mathematical formula that I have used countless times throughout my life and in various circumstances. Many times it helps me do my job more effectively. My teacher may not have gone home that night thinking he had been successful that day, but he had been! He was a teacher, and he taught me something I still use to this day. He was successful. We know he had years of education to become a teacher. He probably sat through countless teacher seminars and ‘how-to’s’ and finally found himself in a position to execute. He could also share his experience with someone of how he worked towards becoming a teacher and ultimately reached his goal and found success. That story could inspire a mentee to keep going in pursuit of whatever goal or task it is he/she is working towards.

4. Be transparent

What does it mean to be transparent? Does it mean we have to tell everyone all the brutal details about every experience? Does it mean that we divulge information that may be harmful to others in the pursuit of clarity? Of course not, transparency means ‘honesty and openness ‘. When we as a mentor are willing to be honest about our experiences and tell it like it is without fear of criticism, we can act as a window for our mentee’s as they experience similar things. Having this openness allows a mentee to truly see the good and bad that have come from our decisions and hopefully have the same good results or avoid the unfortunate ones.

5. Be willing to share your good and bad experiences 

There is nothing worse than a mentee sitting across from your mentor for the first time and hearing them talk about how perfect their lives are. Their business is a huge success; they own a home in Palm Springs, their marriage is excellent, their kids all have degrees and play high-level sports, they go to the gym for an hour every morning, and their golf handicap is 1. How discouraging. How am I supposed to live up to that? That ideal mentor may and probably does exist, good for them, but the reality is that there has been much blood, sweat, and tears experienced to reach the mentor’s position. It is those stories, mixed in with the good ones, where the real riches are found. Sharing the experiences and challenges that a mentor persevered through can be the most valuable lessons of all. Not to mention that it just helps a mentor appear much more down to earth and approachable.

6. Be willing to laugh at yourself

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you….” said Ella Wheeler Wilcox. Nothing sets the tone or puts the mind at ease more than a good laugh. When you can laugh at yourself, it helps to bring comfort to those who may wonder how they can ever measure up to you. As a mentor, your mentee looks up to you, admires you, may even want to be like you. But you know the truth! It’s not always what it’s cracked up to be. You flounder, and trip and at times even make a fool of yourself. That’s what makes you human, that’s what makes you real. When you can laugh at yourself, your mentee laughs with you and gains confidence that he/she too can become what he/she dreams of becoming.

7. Be a person of trust – trusting & trustworthy

The mentor/mentee connection is born of trust. Trust that what is said in the discussion stays in the discussion. Trust that there is no judgement. To get to the conversations that matter, a mentor needs first to trust the relationship enough to speak freely. Trust that there is no judgement or criticism. Without a trusting mentor, the mentee is also less likely to trust, and the connection will likely never flourish. Once experiences are shared, there must be an environment of trustworthiness. Both the mentor and mentee have to keep sensitive information to themselves and within the mentor/mentee connection’s confines. Over time, with trustworthiness in place, the mentor/mentee connection can be invaluable.

8. Be a good listener

I’m sure you can all think of that person who has something to say about every topic that comes up, and usually a very strong opinion. You bring up a topic and get only a few sentences in before he/she takes over and tells you their related experiences and thoughts, whether you asked for them or not. Then, when you get a chance to speak, you notice that they are checking their phone for texts! It gets quite tiresome, and one-sided conversations are just plain rude. On the other hand, you likely also have a friend who takes the time to hear you. They look you in the eye. They may ask questions to dive in deeper and truly understand your position or feelings. They may even help you explore how you are dealing with a situation or what you could do better. Often after taking the time to hear you, they may add an experience they have had or of someone they know, which brings clarity and perhaps direction. That is a good listener. That is a good mentor.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines ‘a good listener’ as “someone who gives you a lot of attention when you are talking about your problems or things that worry you and tries to understand and support you”. Notice there is no mention of solutions. A good mentor may not always have all the solutions or answers, but a listening ear is often the catalyst to be able to move forward confidently.

9. Be empathetic

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. When a mentee gets to the point that they are willing to be transparent and share their challenges and concerns, great mentors empathize with them. Perhaps the mentor hasn’t dealt with the same situation, but at the very least, a great mentor has the life experience and maturity to be able to relate and help the mentee to feel at ease and understood. The mentor may have seen how others have handled similar situations, rightly or wrongly, and pass on which behaviours were effective and which were not.

10. Be an encourager

The best mentors are cheerleaders for mentees. Cheerleaders cheer during successes and along the way as struggles occur through the process of whatever they are dealing with. Just as cheerleaders are a constant reminder to a football team that ‘they can do it’ in a game from beginning to end, a mentee needs to hear that they can achieve whatever it is that they have set out to do. A cheerleader is always in their corner and reminding them that they have what it takes.

11. Be open to discussion about life

There are many reasons one may desire to find a mentor: To be a better leader, a better business person, a better partner, a better friend, a better parent, a better mechanic or a better teacher. The reality is we can learn the technical aspects from a book and from doing the things we are trying to become better at. But, there are so many ingredients to becoming the best you can be in a particular discipline. A wide range of things that you experience throughout your life. To be a better parent, you may need to develop being a good role model. To be a better mechanic, you may need to build your problem-solving skills. To be a better business person, you may need to understand ethics. In other words, discussing the issues you face in life, in general, is important as those issues are often critical to you developing the basic building blocks of what makes you a better person. A good mentor understands that and is not afraid of discussions that may not be specific to a particular issue, but rather focus on an attribute important to becoming the best version of yourself possible, no matter what you are trying to become better at.

12. Be willing to be a friend

Bob Buford, a Texas television entrepreneur, describes his 23-year-long mentor/mentee relationship with Peter Drucker as one of his life’s best friendships. Bob was the mentee in this connection, and few mentor/mentee relationships last as long as this one did. A key component of its success was that they treated each other as friends as time went on. Characteristics that make a friendship successful are evident in the most successful mentor/mentee relationships. Attributes like: trustworthiness, honesty, dependability and loyalty. A mentor/mentee relationship may not always get to the point where you would label it as a friendship, but these characteristics are usually present if it is successful.

13. Be willing to let the mentee lead

The purpose of a mentoring relationship is to share experiences with, support and encourage a mentee in whatever topics the mentee deems essential. Issues may be related to their job, their career, their personal life or any other number of issues. What is important is that the mentor gives the mentee the responsibility of setting the agenda. Preferably well enough in advance to allow the mentor to prepare for the discussion. In doing so, the mentee is ensured that those topics most important to him/her are addressed, and the discussion doesn’t become one-sided. A mentor should remind the mentee of the importance of setting an agenda with topics in advance and be prepared to let the mentee lead the discussion. The mentor can offer advice, share their relevant experiences and provide directions as the opportunity arises.

14. Be willing to hold the mentee accountable

Accountability is the key to success in many endeavours. When a mentor encourages a mentee in a particular pursuit, holding the mentee accountable is the next critical step. In reality, we are responsible for leading ourselves. In the book ‘Extreme Ownership,’ Jocko Willink states that “the only meaningful measure of a leader is whether you succeed or fail.” Those words may seem harsh, but they are correct. Therefore, a good mentor holds their mentee ruthlessly accountable to push them on to be the very best version of themselves that they can be.

15. Be willing to do homework

Homework can mean several things in a mentor/mentee relationship. It can mean that you have to read the chapter in the book you are reading together or complete YOUR take-away that you agreed to engage in the last meeting. Additionally, when a mentee lets you know that you will be discussing a specific topic that you may not be too familiar with, you need to dig in. Research the topic, research how others have dealt with it. Talk to those who have experienced similar situations and understand how they dealt with it, whether the outcomes were good or bad.  It is ideal if mentors share experiences that are their own, but obviously, not everyone has experienced everything. As a mentor, you have access to a wealth of people, resources, and knowledge beyond what your mentee has. Your willingness to ‘do your homework’ may be a lifesaver.

And finally….Be the person you admire and desire to be

When you strive to be better, you inspire those around you. You’re never too old or accomplished to aspire to be better. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? What do you want to be remembered for? These are important questions for mentors to ask themselves. Then find someone…and be a mentor.